My Dear Friends and Readers,
The modern philosopher Eckhart Tolle has always scared me and I’m not sure why. Perhaps its because his thoughts on life force me to realize that I’ve been stuck in thought patterns and therefore actions which are not mine, but thoughts that I have unconsciously selected and I don’t know that I have.
This year as I turn 60, my actions and thoughts have been all about preserving myself. As I do this, an unanswered question “For what?” causes ripples of anxiety. I don’t know the answer to the question, “For what?”but I know that I must look within myself to answer my ego’s fear of “running out of time.”
Why do I fear running out of time? If I answer that question truthfully, I realize the answer is that I wanted to become famous so that I could live forever.I have failed. My depression and anxiety occur because I judge my life and find myself not living up to my own dreams. I did not become a famous actress, lawyer or writer and thus my desperate activity to achieve in these last years before no-one will listen and no-one will care.
This leads to the next big life question, “What has my life meant?” I’m not sure. I know the philosophical answer, but that is only an answer in my head and not in my heart. I look to Eckhart Tolle to find the process to deny my ego:
“Fear seems to have many causes. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, and so on but ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.”
So, how does one escape this ego driven fear, with which I am so familiar? Again I know the answer, but it is an answer that lives in my intellect and not in my heart. Tolle says “The more you live in the present moment the more the fear of death disappears.”
I do not know how to live in the present. I am rarely in the present moment. I am either looking to the future or re-living some fear of the past. This statement could be interpreted in the world of psychology as anxiety and depression. These are things that I suffer from. These are the things that I want to free myself from. I want to live in the moment and not in the past. This will be my ultimate goal in life. I once again will seek the advice of Eckhart Tolle:
“Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation maybe full of problems-most life situations are- but find out if you have a problem at this moment. Do you have a problem now?”
Brianna S. Clark
The Addict Writes