Sex Sex Sex Addict.

Dear Readers,
I have dated a man who is a recovering  crack cocaine  addict, but an undisclosed sex addict. Don’t smirk yet. The idea of a man up and ready for sex may sound like a good thing, it is not. First let me define what constitutes a sexual addiction. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
My guy had been through any combination of these behaviors, but not all of them, and never multiple partners when he dated me – if you don’t count masturbating to internet porn.
He  was a very nice man and he fits the profile of being addictive to more than one thing. His other vice was crack. His crack addiction landed him in jail and at the end of his addiction to crack he was physically, financially and spiritually at the bottom  of the bin of life. 
If you are picturing a jail house grungy guy think again. Ted (not his real name) had a masters degree from a top school and looked like a Calvin Klein model.  I knew about his former crack addiction – and he had not used in years when I met him. I had known his former girlfriend – in fact we were good friends- and she never mentioned this man’s sex addiction. 
As fate would have it the girl friend moved away, I broke up with my long time boyfriend and Ted and I started dating.
At first his active sexual attention was flattering. It was also flattering that most nights he would drive an hour each way to have sex with me. Each night he would arrive in tasteful clothes driving his spotless luxury automobile. 
Wow, handsome and faithful and undemanding! He never wanted dinner, but he’d take me out to dinner or do whatever I wanted just as long as we ended up in my bed.
After awhile, despite his attention and time and money, the relationship felt empty. The constant sex became like work or a chore. It was so empty, meaningless and without emotional connection. I began to feel like a sexual  object, which I now realize I was. More importantly,that attention was all addiction. He had become addicted to me. He treated me like a rare object whose sole purpose was to satisfy his physical needs.
The relationship lasted a little less than a year. I ended it because I just could not deal with the shallowness. He called me “Beautiful” because saying my name might imply some level of intimacy. He only paid attention to me when we were having sex. Everything else we did were stops along the way to sex.
After, I broke up with him, I missed him terribly. I realized that  I had become addicted to him to his addiction to me.
It took months of therapy and  2 years of no contact with him, to get over him. It was painful, but I learned a lot about myself- mostly that I was needy and insecure and I craved attention. Through therapy I realized that Ted was the composite of my parents. He was the father who never paid attention unless it was sexual and my mother who I would never be good enough for her to love. 
In my next blog I’ll tell you how to spot a Ted or Theodora because this is a very tame tale of sex addiction- there are dark stories of people who end up in the hospital, financially wiped out, diseased or dead.

The Addict Writes 
“Beauty stops the world  on its’ axis and makes us realize we are One.’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *